i have a map of the piano

There’s a lot I don’t know. For instance, I never know what I want to order before I go eat. Even though I always end up getting what I got the last time. I know what I want out of life but I’m not entirely sure how I’ll get there. I didn’t know I had anxiety until last year, and honestly I didn’t know there were words for a lot of the things I feel. I don’t know if I mean the things I say, or if I say them because they mean something to you. And I’m afraid you do the same when you speak to me. There’s a lot I’m not sure about, but what’s been bothering me most, is I’m not sure in who I am.

I have an idea of things I like, things I don’t like. The kind of people I enjoy being around, and I have a pretty good idea of how people view me. But there’s this voice in my head. It's almost another person but still me. It causes most of my doubt. It asks questions like, “Are you doing this because you’re a good person? Or because you’ll be praised for being a good person?” And that question sticks with me because it questions my own genuity. Am I the person present myself to be? Am I who you think I am?

You’re never really who you are to anyone except yourself. Perspective is inescapable; from other eyes, you will only ever be who you are in relation to them. And this is why I question my own character. There’s a reason it’s easy to sing in the shower. Why you can dance alone in your room even though you can’t dance. It’s easier to be you when no one is watching. Because when people are watching, judgement comes into the mix. And often times, because you fear being judged you begin judging yourself. And by you I mean me, because I’m speaking to myself as well. That comfortability I find when I’m by myself is the comfortability I want when I’m around others. Not just comfort with where I am, but who I am wherever I go. An acceptance of everything I am, not only the things i love about myself but the things I’m working to love. An acknowledgement of my current flaws, but a hopefulness to one day move on from them. That’s the kind of comfort I find when I’m alone.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to be me when I go outside. So that nothing is something I do but anything I do is everything I am. And to do that I have to first be comfortable in myself. I have to be honest. I have to not only spend time by myself, but with myself. Productively. Actively learning self acceptance, self love, self everything, I need to do for myself what I’m more than willing to do for others.  It’s ironic because this is advice that i usually give, but I never take my own advice. I’m trying to do that now.

So this part of my life, this part right here, is called finding comfort.