the world is a beautiful place & i'm no longer afraid to die

I've spent a large part of a short adulthood wishing I was a kid again. Since 18 I've wanted to be 12 because life was better then. I remember summers feeling warm not just outside, but how I felt inside. I felt warmth, and love felt like something to fall helplessly in and everyday demanded a new adventure because we had all the time in the world. And that time is what I miss most. Not because I've aged, but because in ageing, time slips out of your hands. You don't do what you want, you do what you have to. You schedule your freedom. Your happiness is put off until weekends. You make more friends out of convenience than connection.

Real connection. And real becomes something foreign to you. Real intentions, real love, real people, real everything. I dwell on the past because it's when I can remember life feeling authentic. I see people all around me and I wonder if they're happy, or if they're comfortable. Have they settled?

What I want out of life is a lot more than comfort. I want ideal. I want to live fully, forever. And I hate the idea that becoming an adult means sacrificing your youth. When we're on a planet that's a part of a universe that's existed for millenniums. So whether we're six or sixty, in comparison, we're young. Youth is not something limited to children. It's the wonder in the back of your mind and your pursuit of happiness. The drive to explore whatever finds your interest. And every person deserves to hold on to this. We deserve our ideal lives to find what it really means to be thoroughly and whole wholeheartedly happy.

I remember when being a good person was the standard. Now we're only kind to people who are kind to us. And this world, it thrives off our selfishness. The death of humanity will be our loss of humanity. Our loss of child-like optimism. Our upfront kindness and curiosity and our acceptance. I'm finally realising you don't have to grow up to grow. As I get older, I only want to feel younger. To think younger, and act younger. I want to enjoy my youth until I die. So here's to being 20.