alone again, naturally

This past year has redefined me. I feel my heart’s been changed, my desires, my goals, the perception I have of myself, the world, the things I value, all of it has changed. I even got a cat, almost.

I think the deepest change starts in the place we can’t reach ourselves, the innermost part of our heart. We can change how we deal with the things we feel but we can’t change the inherent feeling. Feelings of insecurity, jealousy, envy, pride. I think that’s where Yah started His work in me. He brought to light my brokenness, revealed to me my need for hands larger than my own. I became clay, cast down from the height of every ladder I tried to climb to everything I thought I should be. I was brought low, humbled so gracefully - when I didn’t fight back - that the loss of my identity felt liberating. I also got a cat, almost. 

I had so many plans. Plans for my future, plans for my other half. Plans for my career, my path. I even had plans for you, reading.

I thought I was something worth sharing, someone worth hearing. What I’ve learned walking with Yah? I’m not that great. The part of me worth anything is the part of Him in me, and even that needs to be properly shaped from this unruly mess I’ve made. So I became clay. Knowing everything I need comes after I trust and obey. My plans surround being malleable in His hand. And all I have to give is what He’s given me - I’m trying my best not to get in the way.