a thing about life

You should know my mind gets turbulent. I don’t like writing like this because it feels too honest, but I watched a video about feeling anxious and it suggested being more decisive - so I’ve decided to be honest. Turbulence.

You know when a plane shakes and everyone gets nervous? That’s me before almost any decision. Should I watch this show? Should I send this text? Should I share this link? Write this entry? Play this song? Turbulence.

My friend tells me she can’t have a bad day if she watches the sun rise or set. I yearn for an anchor so distinct. Something that instantly brings me back to myself. Everyone seems to have one, a habit or hobby, something to save them from themselves. Maybe it’s music, working out, a girlfriend or a boyfriend - something keeps them sane. Me? I turn to God. 

But when I think about God, I get turbulent. Am I doing this right? He must be tired of hearing me apologize. I loved him this morning, how can I be so ungrateful now? He’s done so much for me, I cannot tell it all - Maybe I should play that song - Turbulence. 

These are the ramblings of an anxious mind. I pray for a day when I’m finally familiar with peace. When it stays for more than a moment, and my mind slips back into the slot it was meant to be in. I call those moments synchronicity - when everything is in alignment. The world makes sense and I know my place in it. Everything seems brighter, my thoughts feel lighter and I maneuver through life as fluently as everyone thinks I do. I even understand my past, how it facilitates my path, and I smile and find it within my self to appreciate it all - even the turbulence.