Martians, Demons and Fools Like Me

You should know my mind gets turbulent. I don’t like writing like this because it feels too honest, but I watched a video about feeling anxious and it suggested being more decisive - so I’ve decided to be honest. Turbulence. You know when a plane shakes and everyone gets nervous? That’s me before almost any decision. Should I watch this show? Should I send this text? Should I share this link? Write this entry? Play this song? Turbulence. My friend tells me she can’t have a bad day if she watches the sun rise or set. I yearn for an anchor so distinct. Something that instantly brings me back to myself. Everyone seems to have one, a habit or hobby, something to save them from themselves. Maybe it’s music, working out, a girlfriend or a boyfriend - something keeps them sane. Me? I turn to God.  But when I think about God, I get turbulent. Am I doing this right? He must be tired of hearing me apologize. I loved him this morning, how can I be so ungrateful now? He’s done so much for me, I ca

This past year has redefined me. I feel my heart’s been changed, my desires, my goals, the perception I have of myself, the world, the things I value, all of it has changed. I even got a cat, almost. I think the deepest change starts in the place we can’t reach ourselves, the innermost part of our heart. We can change how we deal with the things we feel but we can’t change the inherent feeling. Feelings of insecurity, jealousy, envy, pride. I think that’s where Yah started His work in me. He brought to light my brokenness, revealed to me my need for hands larger than my own. I became clay, cast down from the height of every ladder I tried to climb to everything I thought I should be. I was brought low, humbled so gracefully - when I didn’t fight back - that the loss of my identity felt liberating. I also got a cat, almost.  I had so many plans. Plans for my future, plans for my other half. Plans for my career, my path. I even had plans for you, reading. I thought I was something worth

The daybreak complains about the dark skies The widows tears are just silenced crimes The wind howls through the trees The absent kid had more to plead When someone dies we are all dumb With cocaine eyes we are all numb Temptation slips right through the cracks You stare at your feet but will not collapse From the ripple of the pond to the pattern of the ceiling I stare at the sky and have no feeling

Dear Apathy,  I don't really know where I should start. I never was good at writing letters. Especially the important ones. You were the one with all the words. And you always knew just the right combination of them to make me feel better. That's something I'll never forget. But I can't keep quite about this any longer. And although I can't write this letter as well as you could, well, perhaps that's the point. I am sorry, Apathy, but I have to leave you. I know that must come as a shock, and believe me, I never imagined I would have to write those words. Least of all to you, but is true. I'm sorry, but I can't be in this relationship with you anymore.  I suppose that requires some sort of explanation, and while I still haven't convinced myself that this is totally the right decision; the least I can do is tell you how I arrived here. Over the past few months, I've been doing some searching inside myself. I knew that something in my life wasn'

One summer I met depression when it was rainy. I thought often about driving nowhere. And wherever nowhere was, I thought about building a home there. I’ll put door on the porch and a lock on the door. I thought, I’ll lock myself inside.  Surrounding myself with the hope that my demons wouldn’t follow from the somewhere I left them to the nowhere I am. But the thing about depression, is it always finds me. It isn't cute. It isn’t romantic.  Depression is bottomless. Its falling into a nowhere and praying for impact. It will consume you.  It makes it easy to say you’re okay, because this is a lot harder to explain.  Would you understand if I told you, silence, is sometimes deafening. And my demons, they echo. Depression is silent. It’s crossing a street without looking both ways, and the envy felt whilst driving past cemeteries.  It cannot be summarized by a word so trivial as “sad”. Escaping can be likened to an attempt to run from your shadow.  It will follow you into

I met a girl when it was partially cloudy. She was beautiful. We did everything you’d only dream of. I stayed up at night to wait for a new day with her. When we were together we were alone, together. and though clouds painted the world grey, it only emphasised her vibrancy. We loved with vendetta against unhappiness and remorse. I guess eventually that wasn’t enough, because happiness left her eyes as clouds would leave the sky and soon I left her. I met a girl when it was sunny. She was bright, and fun, and full of opinions. It wasn’t love, but it was a close second. We spent the better part of my first summer together, I’d visit her every day. She never talked as much as she’d have liked to, we said more in bed than we did out. A minute with her was never a minute wasted, so those minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days and days turned to weeks until I had to leave. and I guess I was gone for too long because when I returned she’d already found her sky. That summe

When that wild thought occurs again Everything around you seem mundane The heart twangs like a giant elastic band And exhaustion pushes you to leave this land Close your eyes and dream of falls Accept the change and blink it off When an opportunity slips away once more You feel your wings cut before you could soar You spot your dreams just crumble down You reach the unwanted station of breakdown Close your eyes and hustle sans scoff Strive in serenity and blink it off When you have it all broken and in a mess Luck drove up the wall and nothing is blessed Perception is an abyss of despair and thorns Heart is ablaze and your soul has storms Close your eyes and let the stars take off shine is on its way waiting for you to blink it all off

When I was young, my mom, like most moms in the world used to tell me to stay away from bad people. And, like most moms in the world, almost everyone was a bad person for her gullible, innocent, and saintly child.  It turned out to be more difficult, than I had assumed. The same kid that used to help me with homework was the one who cheated in exams. The girl who used to make drawings for my friend made faces at me.  It left a very profound lesson for me. There is no good or bad person in the world. There are only people who are good for you, or people who are bad for you.  There are people, good for you, who are joking along about anyone or anything, but find the time to sit down with you in the corridor on a cold night, right before an important event, to advice you with all their wisdom, to help you gather your strengths as your eyes start to weep. And then there are people who stayed with you nights and days, & chose to abandon you, on those very cold nights, just bec