Martians, Demons and Fools Like Me

I've spent a large part of a short adulthood wishing I was a kid again. Since 18 I've wanted to be 12 because life was better then. I remember summers feeling warm not just outside, but how I felt inside. I felt warmth, and love felt like something to fall helplessly in and everyday demanded a new adventure because we had all the time in the world. And that time is what I miss most. Not because I've aged, but because in ageing, time slips out of your hands. You don't do what you want, you do what you have to. You schedule your freedom. Your happiness is put off until weekends. You make more friends out of convenience than connection. Real connection. And real becomes something foreign to you. Real intentions, real love, real people, real everything. I dwell on the past because it's when I can remember life feeling authentic. I see people all around me and I wonder if they're happy, or if they're comfortable. Have they settled? What I want out of li...

There’s a lot I don’t know. For instance, I never know what I want to order before I go eat. Even though I always end up getting what I got the last time. I know what I want out of life but I’m not entirely sure how I’ll get there. I didn’t know I had anxiety until last year, and honestly I didn’t know there were words for a lot of the things I feel. I don’t know if I mean the things I say, or if I say them because they mean something to you. And I’m afraid you do the same when you speak to me. There’s a lot I’m not sure about, but what’s been bothering me most, is I’m not sure in who I am. I have an idea of things I like, things I don’t like. The kind of people I enjoy being around, and I have a pretty good idea of how people view me. But there’s this voice in my head. It's almost another person but still me. It causes most of my doubt. It asks questions like, “Are you doing this because you’re a good person? Or because you’ll be praised for being a good person?” And that qu...

I get comfortable very easily. Sometimes too soon. I hate facades and I've never held up a shield, so I find it hard to restrain the entirety of who I am. I've realised this doesn't always work out in my favour. Because when you're comfortable you share something closer to the rawest version of yourself and this makes it harder for others to uphold their personal images of you.  Subconsciously I beg to question do you enjoy me? Or do you enjoy your idealised version of me? Are we here together? Or am i playing a part in the script you are writing in your head. I've never been a good actor. I smile too much and it seems you only appreciated me being myself when it coincides with who you think I am. I seem to step out of my character when I step out of my shell. I'm not a portrait or a painting. I'm a person.  I have bad angles and even worse days sometimes. I don't expect you to be happy with every part of me.  And I hope you're prepared to ...

No girl was beautiful to everyone, except herself. And when I tell her she's perfect, she insists that she's not, so I insist that she is. I tell her if I could change one thing about you, next to nothing, I would change your eyes. Exchange them for mine, so you could see what I see when I see you. She tells me, she knows she's beautiful but she doesn't feel like it. But I don't want to make her feel that way. Make her love herself in the same way she loves pizza or the wild beaches, so I insist that she is.  I tell her, when I look at you I see poetry. The kind that moves you and keeps you grounded at the same time. The kind I'd like to wake up next to in the morning. When I tell you you're perfect, don't tell me you're not, because you've seen yourself every day of your life. You're used to this. But this is new for me. Because every time I see you I find something new to adore. To remind me of me. Because every time I listen to you I f...

Dear You, There's a lot you're wrong about, a lot you don't fully understand yet. And that's okay, what matters more than being right is your willingness to learn. Work every day to develop an open mind. Those with narrowed thinking only ever experience within the tunnel they've enclosed themselves. Those open to change will experience life. And if life begins to feel stagnant look around. Appreciate the now that you are in. Give yourself a break. In the end, your life will not be defined by the day you spent working or worrying. You will find yourself reminiscing on instances that gave meaning to your life. So collect these moments. The memories etched into your mind. The night you knew exactly what it felt like to be alive. The meaning of life is the meaning you create for yourself. So spend your time with the people who mean well and do the things that mean the most. Remember you were young and age gracefully. All the kids want to be adults until they be...